That's what my youngest said when I told him about my latest news. In the grand scheme of life, it's really just a little thing but that's what it's all about when you drift into sleep recounting the day. More specifically, the main event centered around one single shirt. A new spring inspired sky blue shirt, size SMALL! Someone must have stolen my identity because I don't know the person who can fit into this and this in no way resembles any form of life that I'm familiar with. I was just getting used to putting back the large in exchange for the medium and now the situation has switched again. I don't handle change well, but in this instance, I'm learning to be okay with it. So far I've lost 116 lbs or a person, if you will, and keep going through the stages of grief with each new experience in my second life.
1. First there's denial. What?! I must be have having a hallucination. I should really get more sleep. I swear, I'm not supposed to drink that much caffeine with my medication and now I'm seriously messed up. Let me recheck the label. That can't possibly be right. It's the contacts. I've had them way too long and need to make an appointment to see the optometrist again before I go completely blind.
2. Then comes anger. Great, I guess that means my chest is shrinking too! The one body part that was fine just the way it was and now I look about as shapely as my 11 year old niece. How the hell am I suppose to stack up with all of the fake cleavage flaunting moms out here now? Boob jobs hurt and, unless you're a stripper, they aren't free either. So much for that damn college education.
3. Next is bargaining. God, if you could just redistribute the weight from my hips, and thighs to bless me with ginormous knockers,and an ass like J-Lo, then I swear on my life that ice cream will never touch my lips again. Ben and Jerry will be dead to me.
4. Following this is depression. All of the clothes in my closet suck, they're too big and look frumpy on me. I have nothing to wear. I have to go on a shopping marathon but I can't leave the house looking like this. I hate the mall. There's really no reason to get out of bed today.
5. Finally, there is acceptance. Security is not going to escort you away to the dark corner, aka, the plus size dept, so stop looking over your shoulder. It's okay to shop where all the other women shop. Objects may appear larger with the underwire support of a generously padded push up bra. Who knew? See, you do learn something new everyday. And for the love of God, stop getting misty eyed when something fits and looks nice. That's what you get when you take care of yourself. Just don't go crazy trying on all those fancy dresses. Get closure on not going to the prom seventeen years ago and let it go. Danny Logan is not standing outside the dressing room in a tux with a corsage for you no matter how cute that sparkly fuchsia dress is.
Moving on after a loss is a process and everyone grieves in their own way. I only hope that, one day, I'll find some peace.
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